When I'm Gone
by playingmakebelieve
Summary: AU oneshot based on the episode 6.22 Partings.


**Hi a quick slightly AU one shot based on the episode Partings. Dialogue is borrowed from that episode. And the song is Since You've Been Around around by Rosie Thomas. So, I haven't died or given up of FF I just haven't had internet for something like two months and I'm working on updating everything. This one shot should hold you over for a while ;). Enjoy. PMB **

When I'm Gone

_I'm wandering_

I walk into the small building in Hartford thinking of us, and how we got to this point. Today is our anniversary. Two years, we've been together, starting on the night he told me to stand still on the porch of the Dragonfly. One year since I asked him to marry me. I love him. I can't imagine spending me life without him. He says he loves me too. So why am I here alone?

_I'm crawling_

I take a seat at the bar and order a Long Island Iced Tea. I feel like getting drunk… I mean completely plastered, out of my mind, hang up the keys, drunk. Today is our day and he's not here, so I might as well get so wasted that I can't remember either.

_I'm two steps away from falling_

Where is my lovely fiancé this fine evening you may ask? Well, he's with his daughter. That's right… my Luke has a little girl. Actually she isn't so little. She's twelve, but that's just a minor detail. I'm not allowed to be anywhere near him when she's around. It's kind of funny, (not funny ha-ha, but funny weird, of course) with all the rules developing in our relationship I am beginning to feel like the other woman.

_I just can't seem to get around_

I may need a couple shots for this one.

_I'm heavy_

The bartender delivers my drinks and I offer him a smile in return. He walks away leaving me to my bitterness.

_I'm weary_

I glance down at the ring on my finger. It's beautiful, it really is. Something I've come to treasure almost as much as the man who gave it to me. My decision not to part with it is ultimately what has brought me to this bar.

_I'm not thinking clearly_

Shot one: Straight Vodka. "To us," I whisper, raising my glass to no one. With closed eyes the glass reaches my lips and down it goes… It tastes like rubbing alcohol and it burns my throat a little.

_I just can't seem to find solid ground_

You know, I'm not even supposed to be here tonight. Nope. It's Friday night and that means a gathering at the Gilmore household. Yes, it's the same every week, Dad ignores me, the way he pretty much always has, and Mom makes a snide comment on the dress that I am wearing. A dress I spent time picking out and paid for with my hard earned money. At least I get to see Rory. My beautiful daughter. She's graduating from Yale next year you know, and after that I'm sure she'll conquer the world. Of course she'll probably have the Huntzberger name by then so she'll be able to it with a lot more money. I sigh deeply, my twenty one year old has already found her "one" and I… well I'm spending my anniversary here.

_Since you've been around_

Shot two: "Here's to Rory." Nope, still tastes like something you'd use to get a stain out your clothes. I turn the glass over and order three more.

_I'm running_

As I was saying, no Friday Night Dinner for me tonight. I was gonna go, but I'm a little sad and Dad's disregard and Mom's pettiness combined with Rory's need to get out to surprise her boyfriend with a going away party will just pull me down further, and really, who needs that? The bartender removes the empty shot glasses and replaces them with three new ones. He fills all three of them before me then introduces himself. "I'm Sam," he says. "Nice to meet you," I respond politely. Wouldn't Miss Manner's be proud?

"You alright?" he asks.

"I'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown," I tell him honestly. "Now if you'll excuse me." I lift the next glass in the air.

Shot three: "Here's to you Sam." And another one bites the dust. I am quite aware of the buzzing that has begun in my head. Just the first step in achieving my ultimate goal.

_I'm hiding_

There is a kid staring at me across the room. Young. So young. But hot. He can't be more than Rory's age. I look over at him trying to get a better look, and he does that head nod thing that is really irritating. Not bad looking though. He's has long dark brown hair that hasn't been washed in a few days, and dangerous grey eyes. Should I flirt? It's couldn't hurt. It actually might be a little fun. I send him a smile and a wink before picking up my next shot.

Shot four: I raise my glass to him so he can see and mutter to myself, "Here's to you kid." If I wasn't tipsy before, I am definitely there now.

_I'm afraid you'll never find me_

My phone starts ringing in my purse. Who could this be? I place the glass on the table and pick up my little pink bag to dig through it for the source of the sound that's starting to get annoying. _Luke. _Well April must be gone… I guess it's safe to come around now. I sigh, I've waited all day for him, he can wait for me to finish the Long Island that I have yet to touch.

I take the glass in my hand, fascinated by the moisture that has accumulated around it, and with a little struggle, finally get the straw in my mouth.

_Because I've always felt lost in the crowd,_

I wish Luke were here. Maybe I should have answered the phone when he called, I just… I don't know what to say to him anymore. I told him how I felt at Martha's Vineyard, and again he promised that it would still happen. It's almost June third. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

_I'm sinking_

I am entering the stage I was working so hard to reach and decide to end it here. "Call me a cab, Sam?" I ask nicely. So, I'm not completely plastered. I can still form sentences, but I probably couldn't walk in a straight line if asked. Yes, I'll be slightly hung over tomorrow but, what the hell, I've got vacation time at the Inn, plus…I'm the boss. Where I go and what I do is actually the one thing I have complete control over.

_I'm drowning_

Minutes pass.

"Should be outside, Sweetheart," he says.

"Thanks." I take hold of the bar to maintain my balance and smile at him again. "Will my Jeep be okay until tomorrow?"

He nods, "Sure thing."

"Great."

I stumble outside since gravity has decided to become my mortal enemy, along with my eyesight since I am now seeing two cabs. The driver seeing my confusion opens the back door and helps me inside.

"Where to?" he asks once he's back in his seat.

"Um." I'm having a hard time remembering where I live. "It's um…that way…I think." I point randomly in the direction I think home is.

He sighs exasperatedly, "Come on lady, I'm going to need a little more than that."

Well someone has forgotten to take his happy pill, today. "I….erm…."

"Litchfield, New Haven, Hartford?" he suggests.

"No…."

"Woodbridge, New London…"

"No…"

"You know what," he says clearly past annoyed. "Let me see your driver's license."

I pull out my wallet and show him the card.

"Okay, Stars Hollow."

I laugh. "Oh yeah."

With what I am sure is a very precise eye roll he turns away and drives us out of the parking lot.

_I'm so afraid of losing_

The ride is kind of bumpy but I don't say anything. My driver doesn't seem very chatty. You know who has been chatty lately, Luke. All I hear about is April this and April that. But how am I supposed to comment on something I'm not supposed to talk about? I wish he could just get over whatever it is that's bothering him and we could move on, get married, become a family, create one of our own. Doesn't he know I'm not getting any younger? I know I'm impatient but God, our wedding has been postponed for months! He hasn't even mentioned setting a new date. I tried once and he changed the subject so fast I got whiplash.

_My head's been spinning round and round_

The radio is playing Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. Ha, I know this song. It's sad and slow and kinda fitting for the mood I'm in. It makes me think. Why am I going to spend another cold night alone? I've become so used to having his warm body beside mine that I don't want to go another day without it there. I deserve to be happy. But so does he. We can make it work. But I have to wait for him to figure things out with April. But why? Why am I waiting for something that might never happen? I could lose him if I push too hard. Then again, I don't really seem to have him now.

_Since you've been around_

"Stop!" I yell and Mr. Cranky-pants slams on the brakes. Distracted, I over pay him for his service and get out of the cab right in front of the diner. The place where it all began. I guess it could all end here too. God, I hope not. I gather my drunken nerve and slowly walk up the steps to walk through the door. I hear an unpleasant clanging noise. Jeez has that bell always been there? I see him standing there in all his flannel glory, he looks surprised to see me.

I smile, "Hey, I need to talk to you."

He ignores me and goes on with his own frivolous questions. "Where have you been?"

"It doesn't matter," I say quickly but end up swaying a little. He doesn't need to know I spent my evening in a bar.

"What are you talking about, it doesn't matter? Have you been drinking? I've been looking for you everywhere. I tried your cell. I went by the inn. Patty was at your house."

SHUT UP and let me get a word in. "Let's elope!" I blurt out like verbal vomit.

_I'm foolish and crazy_

"What?" He's stunned, even wasted I can sense his shock, but I need this. I need him. I won't back down. I'm a Gilmore.

"Come on Luke. Grab your keys. Let's go." I'm almost begging him.

"Elope?" he asks like I'm speaking German.

I shake my head and that makes me a little dizzy. "You said that would be fine at Martha's Vineyard. Didn't you say that would be fine at Martha's Vineyard?" He did. I remember it quite well. We were lying in bed, it was right before Logan's dad showed up.

"Yes, I did. I'm just…."

I don't let him finish. I can't let him start making excuses. I try a smile he usually caves when I smile. "Come on then! Let's go. We can drive to Maryland. What the hell, right?" That'll give me some time to sleep this off. I need to be sober when I get married. "I mean you have to see Maryland eventually. We can drive there, get married, and then come back here. And you'll get your stuff and you'll move in." And I won't have to sleep alone anymore.

_I just think that maybe…_

"Okay, hold on," he tries to pause the process but I can't stop now.

"I mean we have the plan already, right? We just have to put the plan in motion." I don't know why I never thought of this before.

"Let's calm down." Don't I seem calm? I am so serious right now it hurts. Why is he fighting this? "We don't have to figure this all out now, do we?"

I lose a little steam but hold strong. "Yes! We do, because we've been waiting and putting it off, and I don't wanna put it off anymore."

_I've got a lot of things to figure out_

"But right now?" he asks. Oh my God, have I been stuttering. Maybe I'm not speaking as clearly as I thought.

"Yes, now is the right time. It's the best time because it's now!"

"Come on," he pushes me out the door and thankfully has a hold on my arm or I would have fallen flat on my face.

"You're car or mine?" I spur on, trying to get him on my side.

"Lorelai," Oh no. "Let's just talk this through." What is there to talk about? I just told him what I needed.

"No! I don't wanna talk, all we've done for months is talk. I wanna do. I wanna go," I plead.

"We can't just take off and get married," he protests.

Yes we can. It's a free country. "Why not, Luke?" I'm doing my best not to sound broken. "Don't you love me?" I hold my breath in anticipation of his response.

_I'm winning_

"You know I do."

Do I?

"But I love you, Luke. I love you. But I have stayed away, and I have let you run this thing, and no more." I am exposing myself to him. He can't turn me away now. "I asked you to marry me and you said yes."

"Yeah, I'm just trying to think here."

ARRRGG!

"We fixed up the house right? We have a bigger closet, and I didn't get the purple wallpaper because you didn't want the purple wallpaper. And if it's between you and the purple wallpaper I pick you."

Yeah, I sound silly, but I don't know how else to convince him.

"I didn't tell you not to get the purple wallpaper."

"Oh my god, you didn't like it!" I yell getting perfectly frustrated.

"I don't care about wallpaper!" he shouts back seemingly just as frustrated with me.

"Do you care about me?"

"Yes!"

Let's try this one more time. "Because I am going crazy here." As you can see. "I made a commitment to you, and I need to make it happen."

"It will. It will happen, okay?" Promises, promises. "I just have April to consider." And there it is.

_I'm losing_

I push forward anyway, "But once we're married, everything with April will be fine Anna said so."

"Anna said so?"

Uh oh.

"What does that mean?"

"When I talked to Anna…."

He cuts me off. "When did you talk to Anna?"

"After the party…."

Cut off again, "You weren't supposed to talk to Anna."

Here we go. "I know I'm sor…God, no! I'm not gonna defend myself! For months now, I've been sulking around not saying anything, not having an opinion, like I'm Clarence Thomas or something, and I…I'm done with that. I-I've been waiting for a long time and I don't wanna wait anymore." And here comes the slurring.

"I have to think this through!"

This is an easy one. "No!"

"I have April!"

I can't win this can I? That pisses me off. "You're gonna have to figure out how April fits into our lives, not the other way around."

"I'm trying."

I can't give up yet. "Well, try married!"

"Just wait!"

_I'm afraid of never choosing_

This is it. "No! I'm not waiting! It's now or never!"

"I don't like ultimatums."

"Well I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually."

_This heart of mine was so beaten down_

Come on Luke don't do this to me.

"I can't just jump like this."

Damn. "Well I'm sorry to hear that," I say failing miserably at trying not to cry in front of him. "And I have to go." I lie.

He looks stunned again but I'm out of options, I wrap my sweater tighter around me and walk away.

_Before you came around_

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